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Snake Stories: Little Snake, Big Problems

by Sam Moore

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I think I’ve told the story of the time when I was probably 12 or 13 and driving our ’36 Chevy flatbed truck pulling a hayloader. My father was on the load, forking the hay into position on the truck so it wouldn’t fall off on the way to the barn. Well, the hayloader picked up a very much alive blacksnake and delivered him, along with the windrow of hay, onto the load at Dad’s feet.

Dad didn’t like snakes at all, and I was surprised to hear his feet hitting first the cab roof, then seeing him hit the hood and fender, before jumping to the ground. We all got a good laugh from that and I don’t think he lived it down for a while.

A number of years ago, I ran across this little story, probably on the ‘net, and thought it was pretty funny. Perhaps you will too.

Snake Story

A man was explaining to a visitor why he was in the hospital. He said his wife had brought some potted plants and hanging baskets into the house for the winter. A little green garter snake had been hiding in one of the plant and when he warmed up he crawled out of the plant and slithered across the floor. The man’s wife saw him just as he disappeared under the sofa and let out a bloodcurdling scream.

The man was taking a bath at the time and when he heard his wife’s scream he leaped out of the tub and ran naked to see what was wrong.

The missus told him there was a snake under the sofa, so he got down on his hands and knees to look for it. About this time, his dog came wandering in and cold-nosed him. Sure it was the snake, he promptly fainted.

His wife thought he’d had a heart attack and called for an ambulance. The paramedics rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher. Just as they picked up the stretcher, the snake crawled out from under the sofa, scaring the one paramedic so that she dropped her end of the stretcher and the guy’s leg got broken, which was why he was in the hospital.

After the paramedics gathered him up and left with her husband, the wife, still terrified of the snake, ran next door to get her neighbor to help. This stalwart individual, having camped out with some Cub Scouts the previous summer, considered himself to be quite an outdoorsman. After arming himself with a rolled up newspaper, he took a few swipes under the couch. Finding no trace of the offending reptile, he declared that the snake had probably fled out the door with the ambulance attendants.

Relieved, the woman collapsed on the couch just as the snake stuck its head out from between the cushions right at her side. She screamed and fainted while the snake beat a hasty retreat back under the sofa. The great hunter, vaguely remembering a long ago first aid class on mouth to mouth resuscitation, took a deep breath and put his lips over those of the unconscious woman’s.

His wife, who had just gotten out of her car with a sack of groceries heard the neighbor scream and ran to see why. Seeing her husband in a compromising position, atop and mouth to mouth with the neighbor lady, she hit him over the head with the sack of groceries.

The noise of the blow and the cans scattering across the floor brought around the woman who had fainted. She saw the neighbor on the floor with his wife bending over him and thought he’d been bitten by the snake. She ran to the kitchen and got a bottle of brandy which she began to pour down the poor fellow’s throat. With all the thrashing around and choking and coughing, the brandy got spilled on the man and both the women.

Another neighbor had heard the screams and all the commotion and called the cops. Two policemen walked in, sniffed the brandy and listened skeptically as the two women, both crying uncontrollably and talking at once, tried to explain that a snake had caused the whole thing.

Finally another ambulance was summoned, which hauled away the still unconscious man and his sobbing wife. The cops departed, shaking their heads, and leaving behind a more or less hysterical woman, and one very small and very frightened garter snake hidden under the couch.