Threshing The Wheat From The Chaff

By Joe Fahnestock
Published on January 1, 1972

At the time of this writing, visions of the Thanksgiving turkey
with all its trimmin’soyster dressing, mashed potatoes ‘n
gravy, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie with whipped cream-seems
uppermost in our minds, beckoning the heralding of the happy
holiday season just ahead.

I am reminded of those happy days when the whole clan
congregated around the sagging festive board at Grandma’s, down
the street and ’round the corner. There was, of course,
Grandma, whom all our elders called ‘Aunt Mag’ then there
was Aunt Mae and Aunt Annie, cousin Paul, Dad ‘n Mom and
‘us Katzenjammer’ kids all reaching ‘n grabbing ‘n
vying with one another over one solitary, defenseless bird.

First off, Aunt Mae always made the official announcement that
cousin Paul would have to have nothing but the white meat. To
compensate, Aunt Mae would settle for a wing, Mom was satisfied
with the back, brother and I always pulled off a drumstick apiece,
while Aunt Annie chewed on the gizzard and Grandma gnawed the neck.
By the time the platter got down to Dad, he would say, ‘Any
piece will do I’m not finicky’ and he couldn’t really
be, at that stage of the game. When the bones were all stacked up,
it was Mom who usually reached over with the well-chewed wish-bone,
knowing just how to grasp it so I’d get the shortest end while
she got her wish.

Having gorged himself sufficiently on the choice white meat,
Aunt Mae passing him all the ‘vittles’ firstestit was
cousin Paul who left the table before all the rest, grunting and
groaning from discomfiture of an overstuffed tummy. Now my ever
loving aunts ‘n uncles, including Dad, had generously chipped
in and had a little ‘jon’ built right into the corner of
the small dining room for Grandma’s convenience. The only
thing, instead of being well insulated, it had walls that consisted
of only beaver board a very good conductor of sounds and
pyrotechnics issuing from within-all this while the rest of us were
trying to finish our Thanksgiving repast which consisted of those
parts of the festive bird which cousin Paul didn’t like; and
therefore had generously left for us.

Other years, the happy season of Thanksgiving meant gathering
out at Uncle John’s and Doney Stewart’s, which always
entailed the thrilling trip of riding a mile out into the country
in cousin Paul’s big Buick seven-passenger touring car which
Aunt Mae referred to as ‘the DeLuxe Model’.

Of course there was the proverbial Thanksgiving bird with Uncle
John his beady eyes, his thinly-parted, slightly curled hair and
drooping walrus mustache the epitome of old-time family tin-types
presiding with carving knife and fork over the simmering,
well-stuffed Tom at the head of the festive board. Both Uncle John
and the oval framed, gay-90’s portrait of him hanging overhead
appeared the perfect patriarchal host at such gala holiday events,
whether he knew it or not. For, although ‘us kids’ were
often awed in his august presence, his actions seemed to belie
knowledge of that noble fact.

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